One Thing I Hate, and Two of the Most Amazing Things Ever

Oh, you're back?  Well I don't know if I can make it any clearer that you shouldn't be here.  So if you just happened upon this blog, go away, it's top secret.  The things I write about on this blog are not meant for human eyes to see, or for that matter animal eyes.  Well if you're still reading, I guess there's no point in me putting up such a fight, just do me a favor and keep it down, and out of respect, close your eyes while reading.

What I hate with an uncontrollable passion is this new "race" that seems to have mutated in the last decade or so.  I call them orange people.  They are not the next step in evolution, they have no culture, except maybe for the lack thereof, and the worst of them are orange supremacists.  I can't say that I really hate them actually, because they are so entertaining to see in the world.   Every time I see an orange person walk by like they are the coolest thing in the world, on the inside I laugh hysterically, sometimes so much so that I laugh hysterically on the outside.  Now I'm not one to judge another human based on the color of their skin, unless of course that color is entirely synthetic, if you spray your skin color on, or lock yourself in a radiation chamber for hours at a time, to seek the end result of being orange.  Well my friend, you are silly, and your superficiality deserves to be laughed at.

This is what you look like to the rest of the world^  I know, you're jealous of my drawing prowess.

Okay, so I'm done with negativity, here comes the truly awesome stuff.  Firstly, one of my favorite things, and there for one of the most amazing things in the world is the ellipses...I know, punctuation is usually rather boring, and you're probably not the type to sit and read "The Elements of Style" all day for pleasure.  But to me it's one of the best tools for portraying thoughts through a blog, or any type of text, especially on the internet.  I am a huge fan of the awkward silence, I thrive in awkwardness, where most people freak out  and just don't know what to do.  The awkward silence is a tool I use on a daily basis and real life, and without the ellipses, I don't know how I'd get that across in a blog...You're probably thinking man, not only is that improper syntax, but it's annoying to see...well too bad nerd...the ellipses is awesome, and if you don't think so.......okay.

The second amazing thing on the list is an amalgam of two of the most awesome animals on the face of the planet.  That's right I'm talking about the Bearnoceros.  If somehow a bear and a rhinoceros had offspring, which the thought of the two getting is on is pretty disgusting, so we'll just say for the sake of even more awesomeness, that science has genetically engineered a Bearnoceros in a lab.  Imagine how bad ass of an animal that would be, and take it one step further and imagine how bad ass of a pet it would make.  "Oh you have a pit bull?  Well I have a Bearnoceros.  Check and mate."  The way I imagine it, it would have the body of a rhinoceros, with rhinoceros skin, but the legs would be that of a bear, as well as the head, and especially the teeth, with rhino horns.  It would be carnivorous, and since it would be leagues ahead of any other predator, it wouldn't be fishing salmon out of a stream, it would be hunting ligers and elephant.  On top of that, if it did get a taste for seafood, F a salmon, it'd be pulling killer whale out of the ocean for a snack.  Here are two depictions of what a Bearnoceros could look like, oh and just so you know, this animal would be so cool, you'd have to capitalize the first letter of it's name out of respect.

Don't panic, these aren't real pictures.  Even though I know it's hard to tell, I just used my elite photoshopping skills to put these together.

Don't Be Here!

STOP!  Do not read beyond this point!

You should not be here.

Whatever you do, for your sake, and the sake of every soul in the world do not read beyond this point!








This blog post contains the secret of the meaning of life, the location of the Holy Grail, and how to find Waldo on every page with your eyes closed.  Okay, so you actually can be here, but by naming the blog "Don't Be Here" and using that little introduction I've effectively done two things.  1.  I've weeded out the naive, they read the first sentence and left, that way I can be sarcastic, and overexaggerate all I want without having to worry about if people are taking me seriously, because a lot of what I plan to discuss is going to be silly nonsense.  2.  Oh crap, I forgot what I was going to say...Oh yea, it's a marketing strategy I'm trying out, maybe you've heard of what I like to call "reverse psychology."  I bet it's in a book somewhere.

So anyway, I know what you're thinking, what's this blog about?  Well, hold your horses cowboy...first let me take a second to analyze how stupid that phrase is, "Hold your horses."  For one thing, holding one horse is a physically impossible task, and adding plurality only makes it all the more ridiculous.  Anyway, the point of this blog is for me to ramble.  I like rambling, I like making stupid jokes, I like making cynical observations, and I like over analyzing really unimportant minute things.  Oh, did some of you just leave?  Can't handle the randomness contained in my head?  Good, I didn't want you here anyway, stupid face.  Wow, some of you stayed and are still reading?  Well let me just say, thank you kindly my dear friend, my loyal follower, and eventually my mindless minion!  BWAHAHAHA, I'm here to take over the world...wide...web.  Not really, see how I do that?  I say things that are hardly even humorous, and expect people to keep reading.  Silly me.

Okay, so at the beginning of this post, after I shooed the majority of the air heads and dumb-as-a-brick frat-boy-types off, I promised you three things.  The first is the meaning of life.  I am absolutely certain I will go into further detail in later posts but for now I'll keep it short and sweet.  The meaning of life is this...share.  Bam, one down two to go.  The second thing I promised, the location of the Holy Grail.  Well, it's in the center of the Earth, in the possession of the Agarthans.  How do I know this?  Who are the Agarthans?  Boy, you sure are full of questions, well I'm not going to tell you...nope, I was planning on telling you, but then you got all pushy and that came off as rude.  And it's my choice of whether or not to share that information, and I choose not to.  To that I am certain you'd say "But Clove, you said the meaning of life was to share, and now you're not sharing information."  Well my rebuttal is short and to the point, "Shut up."

So how can I find Waldo on any page with my eyes closed?  Well I'll tell you, when you look at a page, you don't really see what is there, you perceive so much information that your brain is constantly overloaded, your eye pulls in so much more information than your mind could ever hope to process at any given time.  So when you close your eyes, you'll realize Waldo has been inside of you the whole time.  Does that make sense?  Doesn't have to, this is my blog biznitch.

Welcome to Don't Be Here.  Now leave.

But before you leave, be sure to check out my other blog at Nothing is False: A Collection of Interesting Links.

And here are some squidoo lenses for those of you who just can't get enough of me:
 The Nothing Is False Lens
 Who Would Win? (Vote)
Free Online Game Reviews Lens

Don't worry about me adding content, eventually you'll see it's hard to make me shut up, so check back in daily or at the very least hourly.  This is the blog I plan to let loose and reveal my inner thoughts, see you tomorrow.

 P.S.  Need an easy way to remember where to find me?  Just use "DontBeHere.com"